Happy Mother's Day

I’m glad we get a day. Now that I have made it to this level of womanhood I understand why there is a dedicated day. We need Moms. Moms have a huge role in society, and good moms are in high demand.

What makes a good mom?

I don’t know what the polished answer is, but I know how a good mom makes you feel. A good mom makes you feel awesome, and my mom is great at making people feel awesome.

My childhood home was great because my mom was busy being a good mom. She did all the regular mom things like washing the funk, folding the stuff, cooking the things and making sure we didn’t kill each other (there were 4 of us, after all), but she also did things that went beyond all our physical needs.

She created a sanctuary.

Sanctuary: [sangk-choo-er-ee] noun- any place of refuge; asylum.

I learned pretty quickly that the world was loud, fast and harsh. The world came complete with obstacles…mean girls, big brothers, angry dogs, broccoli and algebra. I remember, many times, feeling beat up at the end of the day.

But then, I came home, and in the after hours of my life everything was calm.

There was a woman there who would help me sort everything out and make me feel like I could go back out there and do it all again. There wasn’t a magic formula of cookies and milk or family walks or even scheduled devotional time. She was just there for all of us, a surgeon to our wounds, an ear for our problems, a church for our prayers. She had arms that hugged, a mouth that laughed and a presence that cheered you on.  She was then and is now, a place of laughter, comfort, joy and rest.

When I think of my mom, I think of awesome.

Refine

[Dramatic storytime voice] Once upon a time there was a girl who had expectations, and those expectations became the villains in her own story.

Maybe you are not like me, maybe you begin new things without any expectations, but I’m always forming expectations.  To be totally honest, most of the time my expectations are ridiculous.


For example, whenever I got married I thought my life would be an endless stream of romantic comedies. Sure, I knew all about morning breath, making a budget and all 5 Love Languages, but I figured we’d just laugh over all the ugly bits and collapse into each others arms…on the beach…at sunset…with U2 playing in the background.

When I had my children I thought my life would suddenly resemble a Downy softness commercial wrapped in a Hallmark card.  Every time I start a new diet I think I will wake up feeling like Richard Simmons and look something like the picture of health. And when I entered the teaching profession, I
assumed my students would see me as a mix between Jack Black in School of Rock and Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society.


Two things are certain, I have cut down on my TV time for a reason, and expectations aren’t reality.

I’m currently coming out of a *Season, and by season I don’t mean the weather. I’m talking about season with a capital S. It has been ugly and awful, like a pack of wild five year old boys with baseball bats who are suddenly let lose inside Tiffany’s. My life resembles that right now.  One wild mess.


Throughout this whole ordeal I have asked God why? Not in an angry way (though I think he’d be fine with that), but in a “what was this about” sort of way. After the dust has settled and I’m able to reflect, I wonder what this season was about; what lesson am I supposed to glean?

The answer I got was: REFINE.

“Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.” Is. 48:10

 “Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. “ Ecc. 7:3

“Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 1 Cor. 15:58

Here is the amazing thing about God. While we are busy making a bazillion mistakes, losing sight, missing the mark, sinning, complaining, crying, failing, and pouting he is going before us and behind us and making sense of the wreckage. He is assigning value to all the ruin. He is making it usable again and making us...better (more like Him) in the process. 


Who in the world can do that but our GOD?

GOD is the only entity in the entire universe who can take something that is broken and ruined and make it BETTER than it was to begin with. And that is amazing.


He speaks softly to all of us, “This experience, this hurt, this pain will be really useful one day; more valuable than you realize. Hang in there kiddo, I make all things new."




*a Season- (noun): is a christianese phrase
used when we go through an unpleasant period of time, and since we can’t
complain about it or worry about it we label it in hopes that it will go away…you
know, like strep or the stomach flu.

Reminded

Sigh...

I've been doing that a lot lately.

Sigh...

With frustration

Sigh....

With disillusionment

Sigh...

"Wishin', hopin', thinkin' and prayin'"

I have found that it isn't the BIG tragic things that trip me up, it is the small things. It is routine. It is the everyday that kills my lust for life.

Everything is fine, great even. I have healthy, beautiful children; a man who knows all my faults and loves me anyway; a great home; work to do; people to love, and, yet, I look at  my to-do list, the pile of dishes in the sink and the clothes in hamper and think to myself...Gah! Whyyyy?!? Am I simply the sum of all my chores? Is my life a revolving door of work, tasks, sleep, repeat? I am parched by the toil of routine with a thirst that can't find a drink (not even at Sonic's happy hour).

But I am reminded.

I am reminded of what happened to me a few months ago. I was completely alone, which is odd. I usually have my daughters with me, however, on this particular day they were with their Grammie, so I decided to run some errands sans the distraction. I would linger and loiter around my favorite haunts (read bookstores), then treat myself to lunch (read P. F. Changs). It would be glorious.

As I drove to the posh part of town I began to pray. I prayed for my peeps, and the day, but I also prayed for God to show up. Then the Great Tug happened. I felt the pull of the Spirit as I passed a woman on the side of the street. She was holding a sign with two kids in tow. I couldn't read her sign, but she had all the markings of desperation, so I turned around.

With my lunch money in hand I stopped at her intersection and waved her over, and what started as compassion ended in a bear hug the middle of a crowded, honking traffic stop. I didn't know her and she didn't know me, but we hugged and cried and prayed together because Jesus cares. He cares about her and he cares about me, and that changes everything.

I honestly can't say who was more blessed that day, but I have money on myself. I drove home book-less and lunch-less but completely filled with a joy I cannot fully explain.

What started out as mundane, routine and neutral became heart-warming, beautiful and worthy. I learned that if I intentionally ask to join God in whatever he is doing during my ho-hum daily grind, he graciously allows me a glorious glimpse.  He makes my small life worth living.

That reminder also led me to this verse: "My people have forsaken me, the fountain of living water, and have dug their own cisterns that cannot hold water." Jer. 2:13

I don't know if you have ever dug a cistern....I haven't, but I have dug a hole. It is hot and nasty business. I have also been around fountains, both ornate and simple. I have played in them, drank from them and even bathed in one once. One thing is true about fountains, there is always enough water; more than enough in most cases. Fountains are a drenching, clear, sparkly, chilled, spring of awesomeness, and that is how a life in Christ is meant to be. On my own I'd be digging- hot, sweaty, thirsty, angry, exhausted, irritated, and, yet still digging; convincing myself that happiness is just another scoop away.

This life, the life I have handed over to Christ, is not meant to be drab, boring and listless. It is meant to be amazing, full and abundant.*

It is a fountain, it is a flood and it is fantastic.

*John 10:10 "I have come so that you may have life, and have it abundantly."

Little House Meets Your Gated Community

Inhale...slowly. Smell that? It's fertilizer. What? You don't smell it? You're at your desk, in an office? No worries, when you make your commute home roll down your window as you pass the suburbs and you will know of what I speak.

I'm not sure when it happened; then again, it could have happened in the last five years when I have been preoccupied with my offspring. The mother coma doesn't really wear off until after the five year mark. Now that I have finally emerged from the bunker of blanket forts, nap times and library toddler time I am able to wake up and smell the roses alfalfa sprouts.

What has happened to the Christian woman? When did she go all Laura Ingalls on everyone? One minute I'm invested in fancy coffee and retro t-shirts and before I know it Jesus-loving Hipsters have forsaken the Lisa Loeb vibe for Michelle Duggar. Grab your burlap sacks, quilt squares and whole grains- everyone is moving to the country and eating a lot of peaches.

This whole movement is something of a lifestyle. I mean, if you home-farm then you probably home school with your missional community...it just starts to feel very compound(ish) to me.

This is a major problem for me. I am not one of those people. I'm the woman who passes the Christian fiction aisle and turns all the Amish, bonnet wearing women around because wheat fields and delicate raptures are just that offensive to me. 

Not all herb-loving ladies do this, in fact, a dear friend of mine does most of these things, but she's not a jerk about it. Thanks for that, Karen. However, like all good Christian trends, this particular one comes with its own wash of judgments.

“Oh, you don't buy organic? Are you trying to give your children cancer?”

“Oh, you don't have a family vegetable garden? You need to read Daniel 1.”

“Oh, you don't make your own bread? Sinner.” 

“Hold on, I need to tweet about my chicken coup and canning wild blackberries.”

What? Suddenly, those obnoxious fake store parties were replaced by crochet parties and tips for making your own clean soap. 

Did the zombie apocalypse happen and I missed it? Or am I in fact a brain-seeking 'other' who has not found the truth... the hormone-free, free-range, trans-free, truth? 

Even if I did want to participate in...whatever this is...(which I don't), I still don't understand how women have the time. Sure, like everyone I would like to eat better but I'm not about to turn my house into Green Acres to do it. I mean, I have a job, errands to run, birthdays at the Bouncy House, coffee to drink, family, ministry, reading, laundry and episodes of Duck Dynasty to catch up on. I don't have the time to feed the hog, paint the fence or sail down the mighty Mississippi with Huckleberry Finn. 

I still don't know what has happened. But I will not be reading the latest Francis Chan by candlelight (via a homemade beeswax candle) anytime soon. 

I can't help myself

I must blog.

A Response to "10 things I want to tell teenage girls"

I read a spectacular article from Kate Elizabeth Conner yesterday,  http://kateelizabethconner.com/ten-things-i-want-to-tell-teenage-girls/. 

I found myself wanting to start a conversation about it. So I've added some comments to hers. Mine are in Orange. I serve some of the most wonderful young women in Student Ministry, so I think I have a pretty accurate picture of what life is like for them, but I also have two young daughters. My advice here comes from both perspectives, as a youth worker and a mother of girls. 

1.  If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys.  To be more specific, you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts.  If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job; keep it up.  If you don’t want to date a guy who ogles at the breasts of other women, then maybe you should stop offering your own breasts up for the ogling.  All attention is not equal.  You think you want attention but you don’t.  You want respect.  All attention is not equal.

I saw a TV show not long ago that expressed this perfectly.  A COUPLE went to a movie together and the GUY (in the relationship) started ogling another girl's boobs. The Breast Flaunt(er) got all huffy and defensive, to which the ogle(r) responded with, “ya, you wore that shirt so I’d look at your shoes.” –this is truth ladies. You will attract the wrong kind of attention, specifically, the kind of attention that will leave you heartbroken.  

And while I’m on the subject, take the all the skin off your fb. Just do it. Stop posing in your bikini, or your skin tight, short mini dress. Just stop it. 

Also, I need you to be aware that you are hurting your spiritual brothers. Don’t make things harder for them. Seriously. They already have a nearly impossible purity struggle of their own, and it is as hard for them to battle impurity as it is for us to battle insecurity. Please remember that.

2. Don’t go to the tanning bed.  You’ll thank me when you go to your high school reunion and you look like you’ve been airbrushed and then photoshopped compared to the tanning bed train wrecks formerly known as classmates – well, at least next to the ones that haven’t died from skin cancer.

I saw a sign on Pinterest that said, “There is a fine line between being tan and looking like you rolled around in Doritos. Again…truth bombs. 

3.  When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we  know exactly who you’re talking about.  People are smarter than you think they are.  Stop posting passive-aggressive statuses about the myriad of ways your friends disappoint you.

Yes, we know and they know too. 

4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama” is a pretty good indicator of how much you love drama.  Non-dramatic people don’t feel the need to discuss all the drama they didn’t start and aren’t involved in.

Here’s a good test to know if you like "hate" drama: Do you watch shows like GCB, Desperate Housewives, The Bachelor, America’s Next Top Model…shows filled with catty women and needless drama? Then, chances are pretty high that you luuuuuuve Drama.

5.  “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever.

I would add another equally ridiculous statement here: “The heart wants what the heart wants”. 

If I listened to what my heart wanted and acted on it every time, I’d weigh 400lbs and be in serious finical debt (because I would have spent a year traveling the Earth). Find wise council, and by wise I don’t mean your friends, and discuss wise and appropriate action to your decisions. Seek out a youth pastor or adult mentor who has a firm and mature relationship with the Lord and ask them. 

6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being.  Emotion is good; it is nothing to be ashamed of.  Emotion makes us better – so long as it remains in its proper place: subject to truth and reason.

Men and women are DIFFERENT and that is OKayyyyy, despite the gender neutral platform our culture tries to preach. God made us different for a purpose, not just for biology, but, also, for different roles. The Martyn Home celebrates that Mr. Martyn is DAD and thus the leader of our home and MOM is gloriously emotional and… the best thing that ever happened to him :)

 

7.  Smoking is not cool. 

Neither is getting stupid drunk or having an eating disorder. 

8.  Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.”  First of all, that’s not true.  And second of all, if it is true, you need a perspective shift.  Your reputation matters – greatly.  You should care what people think of you.

Yes and Amen, but…there is a line between caring about your precious reputation (and it is precious) and becoming a People Pleaser. You will WEAR YOURSELF OUT trying to make everyone happy. This is toxic. It will make you tired, depressed and FAKE. By trying to please everyone you lose a lot of credibility. If you are so morally accommodating to everyone then there is no room to stand for anything. 

A better rule of thumb is to care deeply about what Jesus thinks and a solid reputation will follow.

9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention.  Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you.  Don’t play dumb to stroke someone’s ego.  Don’t bat your eyelashes in exchange for attention and expect to be taken seriously, ever.  You can’t have it both ways.  Either you show the world that you have a brain and passions and skills, or you don’t.  There are no damsels in distress managing corporations, running countries, or managing households.  The minute you start batting eyelashes, eyelashes is all you’ve got.

I want to stand up and applaud this!!!

10.  You are beautiful.  You are enough.  The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough.  You are not thin enough.  You are not tan enough.  You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough.  Your teeth are not white enough.  Your legs are not long enough.  Your clothes are not stylish enough.  You are not educated enough.  You don’t have enough experience.  You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

I would add that these things, while sadly prevalent in our culture, are myths! None of that is real. Models are airbrushed, surgically altered and emaciated and even “reality TV” is scripted. It is all a fantasy.  Look around your community- not your culture- notice the make-up of truly gorgeous women; no matter their age, frame or hair color they all contain the same irresistible qualities: a unique personality, positive attitude, thriving mind and a God-loving soul. Be like those women.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so.  You have innate value.  You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored.  There has never been, and there will never be another you.  Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world.  They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough [echo].

Hunger Games and the Mission Trip I never talk about…

So, unless you haven’t turned on a TV, been to the movies or a book store lately you have probably heard that Hunger Games, written by the amazing Suzanne Collins, has been made into a movie and will release next week (of course I’m going I already bought my tickets for opening day; come on, I thought you knew me better than that).

Here’s the thing.

The books aren't “beach reading”. They aren’t fluff, they aren’t 95% romantic and they aren’t chick lit.

These books hone in on some really important concepts. Don’t get me wrong, it is a spectacular work of fiction, insanely creative and aptly written, but sort of harsh. You’ll have to read them to understand my meaning, no spoilers here.

Just know that my Christian worldview registers 2 different kinds of harsh. One being overly and unnecessarily harsh that leads to dark books by Swedish authors. The other is more of a reality check; there are harsh things about our world that we tend to ignore because we (the affluent) largely ignore ugly and unsettling things. Hunger Games reaches into the latter; and that’s all I’m going to say about the plot line.

However, I can shed some light on some interesting themes. A dear friend of mine recently recommended 7 by Jen Hatmaker.  Essentially, the book is “journal(ish)” work about American excess (food, media, stress, waste, shopping possessions, clothes) and how it affects our spiritual lives and, by extension, the church. It is a powerful read, and I’m having to rethink all manner of things from Big Glups to movies about dark books written by Swedish authors.

In a very weird way, these books are linked. You wouldn’t notice unless you really paid attention, but the message of over indulgence and irresponsible affluence is there, in both.

Those linking ideas have followed me around for nearly 14 years. I grew up in a home that never spoke about money. There was always plenty of it. Whenever we wanted or needed something we got it, no problem. That never struck me as a bad thing until I went overseas on my first mission trip. The summer after I turned 18 I shared the gospel with a group of orphans in Croatia. There is too much to say about that trip, but one thing is certain, I came back a different person. Seeing the reality of world will do that to you.

Our work required translators. I remember one afternoon, our Christian and slightly naive translator asked me something I wasn’t expecting.

Translator: “So, how many boyfriends do you have?”

Me: “Just the one” (Davin, who I later married).

Translator: “But you have others, too? Like the girls on TV. They always have many boyfriends and lots of clothes and makeup and shoes.”

Me: “Americans aren’t really like the people on Friends.”

Trans. “Why not? It’s a popular show. Don’t you watch it? We watch it, American TV helps us learn English.” [She motioned to a group of orphans huddled around an episode of Baywatch in one of the common areas]

Me: “Sure, I watch it but I don’t act like them.”

Trans. “You watch, but you don’t want to be like them? Why do you watch?”

Me: “Because Joey is funny…???”

Translator: [blank stare]

Me: [profound moment followed promptly by face palm]

It was the first time I ever remember being ashamed of being an American. My entire life I had been fed the mantra that America was so amazing- Strongest, Best and Blessed. **

Then one conversation with a teenager across the sea changed all that.

In her eyes, Americans were reduced to materialistic, supercilious flirts with little to no moral code. That was harsh.  And she wasn’t the only one. Not everyone in the world thought we were as great as we did. Not everyone got the memo that America was all about autonomy, liberty, Religious Freedom and protecting the rest of the world. To many we are seen as fat, lazy, stupid and selfish. Again…harsh. 

Some of you are probably grumbling over that. Her opinion is a misrepresentation (or is it?) and we have little control over our media (or do we?). But doesn't our support of certain shows keep the stereotypes and misrepresentations alive and employed? I don't know about you but I don't watch Jersey Shore for just that reason.

So, when I read books like 7 and Hunger Games I’m reminded again about that fateful conversation and the summer I came home with a desire NOT to be a foreign missionary, but to be a local one.  

**I still believe in America, and I consider myself a patriot, but I often wonder what we are doing with all our influence and affluence. Are we helping to make the world a better place? Or are we making the world help us make things better for us?